I was supposed to write a blog last week and I got into total victim mode. I thought I was unworthy and coincidentally my blog was on worthiness and feeling worthy. Yet I did not feel worthy at all.
It’s hard to write and to put yourself out there for the world to see, to come up with ideas every week and not make it all about you, but I guess writing a blog is my thoughts and what’s going through my head, but at the same time it gets confusing. It gets hard and you don’t know if what you write even matters.
There’s a lot of things that I want to write and I get to write it, but it still takes a lot of energy, a lot of time, a lot of knowing how not to offend somebody. And I got wrapped up in my story. I didn’t know what to write. I didn’t know what to do. And life is really funny that way. You could put yourself out there, you could say the right things at the right time, but at the same time it’s scary. It’s scary as hell.
You don’t know what other people are going to interpret as right, or wrong, or what’s good, and what isn’t. I get scared all the time. I get scared to even put out a blog. The first blog that I wrote, I had to close my eyes and press publish because I was so scared. I didn’t know what people were going to think. I didn’t know what my family members were going to think.
And honestly, I feel great to just know that I had the courage to put it out there. And it’s not easy. It’s not easy finding that courage and being that courage. And quite frankly, you’re never going to have that courage. You just have the drive to do it, to say something, to put it out there and to hold people that relate to it.
And it’s one of the scariest things you could ever do. Every day I am scared to see what it is that I get to do and what I get to be in that moment. And quite frankly, it’s hard. And honestly, I get FOMO all the time and I see how great people are writing their posts on Instagram, on Facebook, and how it’s like a story that they’re telling. And I’m like, “Do I even have a story in me to tell?”
My blog is about ancestral trauma healing, but the trauma could be something that happened in your past. It could be something that happened down the family line, it could be a number of things. And its main focus is on the trauma, the trauma that you experienced, the trauma that you go through.
And for me, my trauma is my insecurities. My feeling of worthiness. I’ve had someone tell me that I wasn’t worthy, that what I said didn’t matter.
And that’s the type of stuff that sticks with you for so long. And it’s hard to get out of that mode because it doesn’t matter what you do or what you say, someone’s going to look at you and say, “Why did you waste your time when somebody else could have done the same thing and it could have had a better experience?”
Yeah. Somebody told me that and I thought, “Man, I really did take somebody’s experience away.” But at the same time reflecting back on it, no, it was my experience to go through. Just because somebody would probably have had a better time doesn’t mean that my experience, what I went through doesn’t matter. And that’s where worthiness comes in.
Worthiness is something that everybody has, whether they feel worthy to be in a job that they’re in, whether they are worthy to really voice their opinions, but it literally takes one time, one time to put yourself out there. One time to say what’s on your mind. And that one time is your defining moment of who you are, what you believe in, and how you set the boundaries, and how you set the rules for how people talk to you and how people respect you.
It wasn’t until I turned 30 that I realized this is my one time, this is my one time to set my boundaries, to let people know the rules of how they get to talk to me and how they get to treat me. I will say it does not work with cats. My cat just doesn’t care, but I love him anyway. He was my baby since he was two and a half weeks old and he is still my baby two years later.
I set the rules for myself. I had to physically cut people out of my life that were negative because I set the rules. I set the rules of how people were going to talk to me and how people were going to respect me. And I would not take anything less than that.
I even had to block certain family members because I was tired of listening to their negativity. I was tired of hearing woe’s me stories, and that comes with worthiness. I know deep in my heart that I am worthy of love, respect, and to be able to be the person that I am meant to be.
My voice is enough and I get to choose who I get to be moving forward, and I get to choose who stays in my life and who doesn’t. And that’s something that you get to choose as well. Who do you choose to stay in your life? Who do you choose to cut out? What trauma made you think less than yourself and think that you were not worthy? Be happy and don’t settle for less.